I didn't write my blog last week. I was feeling too discouraged. My world was bleak. I had a big writing disappointment on the weekend and couldn't see past it to do any writing for a few days. I've had disappointments before. We all have. It just means we're human. But this time I wanted to examine what happened and see if I could do a better job of handling it.
One thing I know for sure is that when I've let discouragement overwhelm me and I've given up on something important, I've always regretted it later. So I decided to do a little research. It was well worth it. There are some great sources of information on the web and I was able to really get to the bottom of my feelings and see how I caused my own disappointment.
The first thing to think about is our expectations. We are the ones who set the bar, through what we expect to have happen. When it doesn't work out, then we become disappointed. We set those expectations ourselves, based on what we believe we need as tangible proof that we are successful. If we dig deep enough, we can uncover what we've determined are the hallmarks of our success in any endeavor.
When the tangible evidence we need to prove to ourselves that we're successful is something outside of ourselves, something beyond our control, we've set ourselves up for disappointment and discouragement. So how can we change that?
1. Adjust our definition of success to something we can control. Rather than looking to reap some external reward, make a commitment that success is about enjoying the process of learning and development and giving our best effort. If we still want the external rewards, make sure they are not the main focus and realize that worthwhile achievements take time and sometimes many tries before they come to fruition.
2. Realize there is no such thing as failure unless you give up. We need to reinterpret our setbacks as opportunities to learn that are a valuable part of the journey. This way we can take something from the experience to help us move closer to our goal, rather than letting it defeat us.
3. Refocus and recommit to our vision. Why did we choose this path? Why is it important? Re-visualize our success based on realistic expectations. We should set small goals and find healthy ways to reward ourselves for attaining them. We should take a moment to look back and realize how far we've come in our efforts and acknowledge how much we've already accomplished. Then we're more likely to realize how much richer our lives are because of the journey.
4. We can also look to how we can encourage and reward others around us, who also need acknowledgement and encouragement in the things they are trying to accomplish. When we move the focus away from ourselves towards others, it gives us a healthy break from wallowing in our own discouragement!
5. Take a break. Go outside and get some fresh air and exercise. Do something fun. Enjoy the company of others. Get some rest. All of these will help us gain some perspective.
6. Share our disappointment with someone we trust. True friends and mentors are likely to help us put it in perspective, see our efforts objectively, and encourage us to keep going.
7. Don't let others set the bar for our success and don't compare ourselves to others. As women, we are particularly skilled at looking around and comparing everyone else's best to our worst. Learn how to acknowledge, applaud and admire others for their successes, rather using their success to put ourselves down.
8. Acknowledge our feelings, then take our ego out of it, and use what's happened to help us see ourselves more objectively, evaluate our efforts more effectively and identify where we could be doing something differently or better.
Looking back on this whole experience now I'm encouraged, rather than discouraged by the outcome. Although I didn't gain the external reward I had set myself to attain, I've learned so much about myself, why I was disappointed and how to move through disappointment that I've gained something more important, a life skill that I can use again and again. I am thinking of a few lines from the Desiderata:
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness....And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
